It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you!

Do you remember what it was like when you got back to school after the Summer holidays? You’d forget how to do all things school related - even holding a pen felt strange. Well that’s what it’s like sitting here writing this entry. It’s been so long I seem to have forgotten all things afrolegoman related and my fingers aren’t finding the keys with the same easy rhythm they used to. You probably don’t want a reason as to why I’ve not written for such a long time but you’re gonna get one anyway. Between starting my new job (damn it’s tough), turning 30 (more on that later), and chasing every lick of sunshine we have been blessed with (does any one else love wearing sunglasses?) I’ve literally had no time to process all the thoughts going through my mind let alone let alone get them down on... well (digital) paper. The only reason I even have the time to type this is because the seatbelt light is on and I can’t get to the shoebox of a an aeroplane toilet that’s been calling my name ever since I necked those two complimentary gin and tonics the nice, but slightly ingenuous, flight attendant gave me - that’s right I’m flying people.

The End of an (afro-shaped) Era

And no, I’m not talking about Oprah quitting (although it’s a shame) and I do hope she finds a suitable replacement. Much love Angie!

No the era that has come to an end is the decade otherwise known as my twenties. When I started this entry I had actually only just turned thirty and this post was more apt. Now almost an entire month later I’m finishing it over the Atlantic Ocean en route to Canada, as I previously mentioned,  for a friend’s wedding. And that’s the point - gone are the days where the boys and I would travel to visit a new bar in a new city to check some new girls. Now we travel to each other’s weddings, house warming’s and children’s birthday parties as we set the younger man’s burdens aside and accrue the focus of people who are moving to the next stage of life - a better stage. One where we are no longer judged by trivial measures but on our character’s. On the testaments others can give, not based on our accomplishments, but on the people we have become. 

I don’t fully know the person I’ve become, but I do know the person I hope to be. They’re kind, generous and a credit to their parents. They understand that differences are not there to divide us but to allow us to learn from one another and add colour to our lives. They know the importance of faith - whatever faith that may be - but know better than to judge those without it. They can see the good in others, even if those others can't necessarily see it in themselve's. They are passionate without being overbearing, fearless without being foolish and independent without being isolated. Yeah, that's who I hope I've become, how about you?

Like I said, I don’t fully know the person I have become, but I know I have enjoyed getting to this point - I can't . So long twenties, you were an excellent teacher! 

Legoman out!

I'm a two timer, but I'm not the only one...

So here I am wondering exactly where it all went wrong. We started out so well, so happy. We’d spend hours  together, in the evening, at weekends; lost in one another’s company - but how things change. It could be the fact I’ve been so busy but if  I’m honest it’s because I started spending time with someone else.


But my lack of dedication to afrolegoman must be addressed. Just because I have been two timing him with m.o.d.j.o doesn’t mean the thoughts of an afrolegoman have ceased to flow. And how many thoughts there are, on topics including the Con-Lib (optimistic) or Con-Dem (pessimistic) coalition government, the huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico (there has to be another option to deep sea drilling) and to top it all off, Scrabble have started to allow proper nouns (Superman for 59 points? I think not people). 

Let’s talk coalitions and just so you know I am totally pessimistic about this situation. I know that the country needs governing and that the people have spoken, even if it is through the auto-tune-esq voice modifier a first past the post voting system represents, I can’t help feeling uneasy about it all. According to David Cameron, a little while ago the best joke he had heard in Parliament was “Nick Clegg". That’s the same bloke you’re in the most loved up Bromance since Armstrong and McConnaughey is it Dave? 

It just seems to me that this marriage of convenience was less about fulfilling the country's wishes (as was claimed by both sides) and more about giving two highly ambitious men exactly what they wanted - access to power. The Lib Dems get a seat at the big table (albeit in one of those children's high chairs with a table attached complete with a little bib to catch all the policies they've had to drop to get into bed with the Tories) and the Conservatives quite obviously get someone to blame when the Public Sector sh*t hits the fan, as it will.

As a card carrying liberal, I can’t shake the feeling that this coalition is simply Nick Clegg two timing me with David Cameron and getting away with it. But then again, I guess, judging from the date of my last descent into the thoughts of an afrolegoman, I can't talk - because it takes one to know one right?

Do you know the muffin man...

...who lives on Drury Lane? Cause if you do, you might want to tell him that having four security guards escort my two Lawyer friends off the Tamarai premises is not best way to get them to pay the discretionary 12.5% service charge he added to the bill! Here comes Lesson 4 - Tamarai sucks!

Confused, trust me so was I when I heard the story and to be honest I still am... here’s a breakdown of the events.

1. A friend of mine goes to a chic Asian fusion restaurant called Tamarai (on Drury) with another of her friends
2. The bill (no more than £180) arrives and due to crappy service they decide not to pay the full 12.5% discretionary service charge - they want to pay less
3. The PIlsbury Dough boy in the cheap suit then says that they must pay and if they don’t then he won't accept payment for the meal
4. He then says “If you can't afford to eat in places like this, you shouldn't come out - this is fine dining, not Mcdonalds"
5. After much wrangling he calls for four security guards to escort the two off the premises
6. She has now received a claim for £1,000 because apparently my friend “abused other diners, intimidated staff and vandalised property”

Right so when I finally heard the whole story I thought it would be best for me to write a list of rules for the muffin man management of Tamarai, I’m calling it ‘Restauranting 101’.

Rule #1 - A Discretionary Service charge is just that

Since when did discretionary’s definition in the dictionary change to compulsory and a discretionary payment compulsory to the point of it’s absence causing an entire bill to be forfeit. I’m pretty sure that the definition of 'Discretionary' is having the ability to decide or act using your judgement - SO A DISCRETIONARY SERVICE CHARGE DOESN”T HAVE TO BE PAID IT IS AT THE PATRONS DISCRETION!!!!

Rule #2 - Not accepting payment is kind of stupid

As a restaurant, surely it’s better for you to be paid for the food rather than allowing your muffin man staff to refuse payment because they are not going to receive 12.5%. Would you not prefer to take full payment and allow the discretionary charge to be paid - oh no not if your Tamrai, you simply treat your restaurant like it's William Hill and hope for the best.

Rule #3 - Four security guards + two girls = overkill

Even if you want to remove a couple of ladies from your premises, using four burly security guards is kind of going too far - neither of my friends aren’t in the WWF, they are normal, mild mannered legal professionals and don’t really need Grant and Phil Mitchell clones to get them to leave.  Telling them it’s not Mcdonalds and that it is a fine dining establishment does the trick!

Rule #4 - £180 does not equal £1,000

Now I know that being in the restaurant business means that food is your speciality, not numbers but a basic grasp of mathematics would probably serve you well. Not allowing two diners to pay a £180 does not give you cause to try and claim £1,000 at a later date (honestly a lobotomised goat with an 'F' in GCSE Food Technology could tell you that. Now you've got to prove that they broke the law (which they didn’t) and then spend more than £1,000 going through small claims (and probably lose).

Rule #5 - Don’t employ offensive staff

The whole reason I’m writing this post is because of the offensive nature the entire event played out. I know I don’t know all the details, but I do know that my friends were told that they basically should go to Mcdonalds because they weren’t good enough to dine in Tamarai due to questioning the service. Well if you hadn’t employed freakin’ idiots maybe they’d get their service charge and everyone would be happy.

Lesson learned -Tamarai sucks

But I guess I’m less confused now than I was at the start of this blog... the one clear thought crawling through the thicket of ‘What the heck’ is simply don’t go and eat at Tamarai - you’ll get shoddy service, be expected to pay for it, get insulted, be ejected by the Mitchell Brothers plus clones and then get a £1,000 bill a week later! Don't go and tell all your friends not to as well - the muffin man might make great cakes, but he makes shitty restaurants!

Parents, your children are calling you!

I’ve just realised that my life is about to move to a new age category. A few months ago I registered with a new Doctor’s surgery and had to fill out some personal information and I was still in the 21-29 bracket, but as I type I'm mere months from my 30th birthday I am about to having to tick the 30-39 check box. I don’t know why I’m surprised, the signs are everywhere; for the past couple of years the people in my life have been getting married, buying houses and having more and more children (seriously, they're popping them out everywhere). And I guess it's this progression from youthful checkbox to maturity laden checkbox is the reason I find myself writing on this particular subject matter - parents - or the lack there of.

Reading ‘The Week’ as I do every week, I came across a story focussing on whether young children were unduly sexualised in the media and how that makes them interact with one another. Boys treating girls as sexual objects, young women seeing sex as a legitimate way of realising their dreams. After reading the whole piece all I could ask was WHERE WERE THE FREAKING PARENTS? And not just where were the parents, but where were they when they could still make a difference? As parents surely it's our job to be the most positive influence in our children's life . To shape their World view because the last time I checked it wasn't the media's job to raise children - it was their job to sell units! But that doesn’t mean if parents don’t take charge of what they're consuming the media won’t.

So instead of pressurising the government into serving up a ‘Mc-Happy Meal’ of censored entertainment to ensure the future of our children, why don’t we take back control? You don't like the fact your children can see Lady Ga Ga flashing her crotch in her latest video looking like an extra from Prisoner Cell Block H you can do something about it - turn of the TV. Wondering why a 9 year old is talking about being too fat or the fact there is an alarming rate of eating disorders in children under 10? It might have something to with the same child sits in front of 'What Katie did Next' every week ingesting the utter nonsense emanating from everything Jordan does and the messages her ridiculous lifestyle endorses. Wondering where your son is getting his questionable views of women from? Maybe refuse to buy him latest copy of Nuts magazine and replace it with something a little less breast heavy.

It’s not rocket science, if we want to stop the ‘pornification’ of our children and change the patterns of behaviour, it’s up to us, otherwise we’re just shifting the raising of our children from the media to the government and not where it should lie... with us.

The Third Lesson - Celebrities can be kind of stupid

Ok, so I'm back on my soapbox - it's getting really comfortable up here. Once the sunny days of Summer come along I'm thinking about pimping it out. You know, a deck chair, a jug of Pimms, iPod and some stunners just chilling. Because in all honesty so many things are going on at the moment that my mind cannot comprehend. My mother once told me that common sense is not common and for years I treated it with the same disdain as most of her other old mother's tales. Tales of  square eyes and face freezing gusts of wind, but you know what, she was right!

Carol Vorderman should communicate in binary code...

Spending Thursday night doing what I do every Thursday night, I found myself in front of a Question Time panel that included the usual mix of politicians and celebrities (Journalist Will Self and Carol 'I've done nothing since Countdown' Vorderman were the guest celebs). My main bone of contention is with the former Countdown host, who while trying to appear to be an impartial commentator was quite clearly pushing  a conservative political agenda. Now I'm not a conservative and I didn't agree with much of what she said, but that's not my issue. My issue is that she tried to fool the audience and us at home that she wasn't repeatedly pushing an agenda only to then push said agenda with the very next breath. Whether she was talking about the public's right to know the crime John Venables' went back to prison for (we don't have a right to know by the way) or whether Lord Ashcroft was wrong to have not become a domicile of the UK when he said he would before accepting he peerage in 2000 (he was by the way) she just spouted out a load of Right Wing propoganda and slung mud at the opposition parties - that's what the politicians are there to do, celebrites are just there to prove they're not idiots and you failed. Honestly Carol, we're not stupid but you clearly are if you think we're going to fall for it. I sat there wondering whether Will Self was going to call her on it, but clearly too kind to embarrass her in front of millions simply gave her a masterclass in impartial commentary as only he can.

A quick mention for Estelle. What, if anything, were you thinking?

I was reading one of my favourite blogs the other day (Soul Bounce) and it turns out Estelle's latest track 'Freak' finally got a video. I watched it and Estelle, for whatever reason, decided that blacking up her face like some kind of freaky golliwog was a good look. We all know that Estelle's not exactly had the best stylists over the years - in fact I can't recall when she's ever looked as good as she probably could with some direction - but blacking up really?!?!?!

We all know the racial history associated with this look, so why would you want to recreate that? It's not even a parody. Then she went ahead to defend it basically saying that she's black, how can she black up? That's not an excuse... it's like a Jewish person dressing up as an Auschwitz guard and saying, it's ok I'm Jewish! It was offensive and stupid - anyone with common sense would have known better... but then again it's not common is it?

The Second Lesson - John Mayer is a douche

Yeah that's right, I said it. John Mayer for all his 'Waiting for the World to Change' antics is pretty much a douche and here lies the second lesson. Now don't get me wrong, I love his music (Continuum is my album right there and Gravity is my tune). But having caught wind of his Playboy interview I kind of find myself feeling like he's a little bit of a big mouthed... ummmm, what's the word I'm looking for, oh yeah DOUCHE! But I don't actually think he is a racist, maybe a dirty dawg, but not a racist.

Sure he used the 'N'word, but when I read it I immediately saw the context of his sentence and there was no malice in it, he was simply highlighting the foolishness of the question about his so called 'hood pass'. I know he shouldn't have used the 'N' word, but all it would need would be for someone to pull him aside and say "You know what John, that's never cool for you to say." If he repeats it again, then cyber space can deride him as whatever they like.

And as for his comments on not dating black women, I know plenty of people who wont date outside their race and they aren't labelled racists, they simply have a type of person they go for. Plus why would anyone want to date him when his M.O. is pretty much do the dirt then tell the world about it - not exactly a great dating experience (tell me if I'm wrong ladies). As far as I can tell, he's only getting such a hard time because he's a celebrity. If he were John the tube driver, no one would give a rat's crusty ass  who he wanted to date.

I honestly think there are more important things to be worried about right about now than if some musician drops an 'N-Bomb'. I mean last time I checked there's still devastation in Haiti, people are talking about racial profiling in transport hubs to combat terrorism, a general election is on it's way and we're still in the grip of a credit crunch. I don't know about you but that's all a little more interesting than John Mayer and his obviously far too big of a mouth!

Lessons learned!

So it’s been well over a month since I wrote my last piece and a lot of things have changed since then. I moved house. Got robbed (which is part of the reason I’ve not written – they stole my laptop). Been on holiday to Nigeria. Welcomed in 2010 and bought myself a new Macbook Pro - which is the reason I started writing again. There are so many topics that I feel like I need to address, but I can’t do it all in one piece, so I think I might start a series. Maybe like a five part series on the lessons I have learned since my last post (and trust me there are a few of them). And you know me (actually you don’t but anyway), I’ve always believed that when life is teaching you a lesson, it’s best to sit up and pay attention so you don’t need to repeat the class over and over and over again.

Lesson 1: Apple Macs are kind of cool

Ok so I know I might be a late comer to this party, but better late than never right? My Mac has given me a new lease of life for writing. Ok so it hasn’t, simply having a computer again did that. But having such a comfortable and intuitive machine does help. All I want to do recently is write (that and play Mass Effect 2 like a huge video game geek). I know that simple technology shouldn’t be the inspiration for my creative outlets but I often look back at the days I would carry 5 or 6 note books around, full of scribbles, anecdotes and whatever section of my debut novel I was working on at that time. You know what I’ve learned - if you’re going to carry something around you might as well make it as sexy as a Macbook (pro). So I guess this post is more about introducing you to Applonia (that’s her name by the way) as much as it has been about me reminiscing about pukka pads and sharpie pens!

Disney, oh why do I love you so?

So in the last post I admitted to watching Twilight and Sex & the City and now here I am admitting to loving Disney - but I promise I’m not really a 13 year old girl. It’s just all this excitement around the new movie The Princess & the Frog. In the days of Pixar and 3D it’s nice to see Disney going back to basics and hand drawing a movie again. But what’s more it’s a freakin’ musical! Is it me or has it been too long since Disney made a good old fashioned musical? Between Disney movies and Michael Jackson I acquired a love for music from an early age - but anyone who was between the ages of 4 and 10 since 2003 has been missing out. I’m going to watch it on Friday so I’ll be writing a review on it then - suffice to say I’m excited. If you’re excited like me, then here’s a little reminder of just how good Disney can be: